Saturday, June 04, 2011

To Write or Not to Write

I'm sure you've noticed that there are often large gaps of time without posts where I'm either too busy or too overwhelmed (or both) to write about life at that particular moment. Sometimes I write something and then, wondering if it's too personal or too depressing, I stare at the screen pondering whether to click PUBLISH or DELETE. Lately you may have noticed one of those long stretches of blog silence. I've been struggling with lots of things and while I've composed many posts in my head (mostly while lying awake in the middle of the night wishing I wasn't blogging) they all get the virtual DELETE in the morning.

But sometimes it seems worth sharing the fact that life isn't always as shiny as it might appear in the online edited version of my life. For example, much of this pregnancy has been challenging. Riker still wasn't sleeping very well at the beginning of it and I was exhausted with first trimester fatigue AND up multiple times a night with a wakeful lad. I thought I might crack. And I must have been close because just then we managed to night wean quite easily. He began to sleep longer stretches and is now sleeping quite well. Better than I am in fact. Having been up every couple hours for so many months has rewired my body clock thus making me, for the first time in my life, a serious insomniac at the very time I am most in need of rest. Thankfully, that's been getting a little better each week.

Then, just after we'd told our families that we were expecting our second child (and before I'd told any friends), I got the news about my sister in law. To say that cast a shadow over life would be an understatement. I still struggle to find compassion for her decision and whatever circumstances led to it and I am left with little but an empty kind of anger. Anger at what she did to my already small family, anger at leaving my brother to spend his life without his partner and anger at the black cloud over my pregnancy. To make matters worse, within the same two week period, we lost two other family members on Brian's side of the family who had both been fighting long battles with cancer. They would have given anything to have had one more day with their families, yet the loss I've been grieving had been a choice. More anger. You get the idea.

This pregnancy has been challenging for other reasons as well. With Riker I spent many beautiful hours thinking about his entrance into our lives and bonding with him in utero. Now, with the demands of toddler care, this baby has received little more than a few passing thoughts most days, making that bonding time difficult to find. I’ve also had to deal with the fact that, due to pregnancy hormones, my milk has now almost completely dried up, thus forcing Riker to wean. I had wanted him to wean only when he was ready, but by spacing these pregnancies somewhat closely, I have taken that away from him. While I knew this was a possibility, it was a risk we were willing to take for the big picture and I am actually somewhat less upset about the actuality of it happening than I would have expected. However, it still marks a major transition for he and I which sparks a variety of emotions in an already tumultuous and hormonal time.

I am coping. I feel as if the clouds are beginning to lift somewhat and things are looking a little brighter. But it's been a bumpy ride these past few months; hence the blog silence and the difficulty in deciding when to post and when to hide. And so the big question now arises. To PUBLISH or DELETE?

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:20 AM

    Ms.Jen, You are going through so much. As I read what you are going through I want for you to know that you are not alone. Having a second child is never really like having your first. It is so hard to concentrate on the baby when you have a toddler to tend to. You need to relax and know you are doing everything you can. I am thinking about you. If you want to chat call me. I miss you and wish you were here.

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  2. Personally, I always want you to publish, hard times or not. You are still perfect just the way you are. It is through the struggles that we find even greater strength and sometimes we are also humbled by the need to lean a little when we are used to being the rock. It is ok to be vulnerable and unstable at times. You will persevere. I love you to the ends of the world! Thank you for sharing! *hugs*

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  3. Anonymous7:02 AM

    Thanks for posting Jenn. I love your writing, and have often felt a big lift from sharing your perspective on the world. But I also appreciate you sharing the harder times - so I for one am glad you pressed publish. Bring it on. Hannah

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  4. Thank you my darlings for your kind and thoughtful words. I know I can always count on my girls for a lift! Since I published this I've actually been feeling somewhat more positive about everything. Getting some sleep helps. Hoping for a few more months of that.

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